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Viral Legislation

Here’s a novel idea. What if we laid off the PC Police and allowed lawmakers to deal with serious health issues without being considered racist. For example, there could be legislation that only Chinese Royalty be allowed to get the Chinese Corona Virus. With that reasoning, it would naturally follow that only Chickens could get Chicken Pox and Fowls the Bird Flu. There may have to be some cross-over codification with those last two, but I’m sure within a month or so they could hammer out some clear guidelines. Then lawmakers could take on other ailments. What if only Spaniards could get Spanish Flu, Czars could contract SARS, Ordinary Snowmen get the Common Cold, and only Assistants are qualified to get Aides? Authoritative figures and influencers (like Congress) would obviously be entitled to Influenza. To get Small Pox one must be tiny and Hantavirus is for people who have previously died—preferably of hantavirus. Measles is reserved for those who act rashly and Yellow Fever is for cowardly submarine passengers. You get the idea.

No? Well then, here’s another novel idea. What if Congress actually earned that healthy pay-raise they gave themselves by doing some serious legislating on our behalf? And I don’t mean legislation that compromises anyone’s civil rights or that launches taxpayer obligations into a black hole they can never hope to emerge from. Congress-people are the ones who hold the purse strings of the nation and they have an obligation to make decisions that truly benefit the people they represent.

Somebody smarter than me suggested that money is the root of all evil and maybe that’s true—when it’s not sacred. For example, funds entrusted to religious organizations in the form of tithes and offerings is holy. Equally consecrated is money collected from hard-working citizens in the form of taxes. People have the right to expect their money to be spent wisely and carefully on things that matter and make a real difference in their lives. It’s not money to be wasted or spent frivolously and should first and foremost be used to benefit its benefactors.

Some of our laws are as ridiculous as as virus assigning. Much of our sacred tax dollars are furrowed to wasteful or absurd special-interest channels. I don’t mind paying my taxes, in fact it’s a privilege to be privileged enough to owe them. But I mind terribly when those funds are misused or go to projects or agencies that aren’t directly in my own interest or the interests of other collective contributors. Our money is sacred. They can’t just make up the conditions and places where our money is spent. We pay them to invest our money wisely and if they don’t, we have options: We can mandate that a hex be put on them—with symptoms of a ghostly yellow pallor, fever, chills, a rash and worse. Then we treat them with something guaranteed to stop the vomiting of our tax dollars, like ousting them at the ballot box and replacing them with courageous and competent alternatives. We may not get to decide who gets which virus, but we can stop exposing ourselves to poor decisions and viral spending.