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Ridiculously Clean

Someone told me my house was ridiculously clean. That’s ridiculous. First of all, how would they know? Anyone who’s ever looked at Facebook or Instagram knows the image put before the world as everyday-ordinary is more likely than not a big fat fake facade. A first-class deception. An enormous fabrication. A colossal sham.

I know you know what I’m talking about. C’mon, admit your profile pictures aren’t the real real you. They’re the best possible front you can present. If your photo wasn’t taken 5 years ago, or you’re not standing in half-light, at least your hair and/or makeup are done to perfection. Or maybe you’re hugging a dog. Look how adorable Pookie-poo is… with any luck you won’t focus on me. Chances are pretty good you didn’t post your mugshot. You are ridiculously attractive!

I know people who have ridiculously refined taste. They arrange a gorgeous table setting for their Instagram following. Napkins are folded into perfect lotus blossoms, food is creatively displayed, there are candles, a centerpiece, a violinist. Okay, not a violinist, but the implication is that they are about to partake as per their usual routine. As soon as the photo is shot, the good china is whisked away along with the Pâté of Octopi velouté and Gremolata with a vinaigrette reduction. Yeah, I made up that menu. Just as the posturing ‘poster’ posed for the photo before passing pizza on paper plates as per protocol. Phew! That was a positively petulant pronouncement. Pardon.

Another common pretense is dressing up your children as if for a centerfold in a magazine. Your kid is ridiculously gorgeous. You can pretend your kid is fashion-model material but we all know how he/she is gonna look 10 minutes from now and if he/she maintains the illusion, said child is gonna need some serious therapy later on.

I hesitate to mention this one but I’m on a roll. You’re ridiculously devout. I know that most people are sincere when it comes to their religious beliefs. It’s the ones sporting their religious symbols for monetary gain or flashing card-carrying proof of their purity when they open their wallet to show their drivers license. To me, the worst pretense is pretending you’re something you’re not.

So I'm sure you understand why it bugs me when anyone thinks my house is ridiculously clean. It’s not. Yes, I’m a little OCD. Okay, truth be told I’m a lot OCD. Which means I see ALL the places in my house that aren’t clean—and there are a lot of them. It’s simply too much pressure to maintain an image that’s above my pay grade. I’d much rather sit back and criticize the ridiculously perfect people on social media and beyond.