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Dirty Diet Coke

Can I take your order? The guy at the drive-in window asks.

Yes, can I get a Dirty Diet Coke?

(Long pause) Um… We don’t… actually… do that kind of thing here.

I’m confused. He doesn’t seriously think I’m asking for… well, I don’t even know what he thinks I’m asking for. Now it’s my turn to pause.

Okay... well, how about a diet coke with a little coconut and lime?

Sure, what size?

I wonder if I should be embarrassed when I pick it up at the second window? I don’t think so but I am. Reminds me of talking to a similar speaker while parking at the airport. I swear this is the honest truth.

Madam Speaker: Please take a ticket.

Me: Alright. Where’s the ticket?

Madam Speaker: Please take a ticket.

Me: Hold on, I’m trying to see where to take it from.

Madam Speaker: Please take a ticket.

Me: Okay, okay… Just a sec.

Madam Speaker: Take a ticket.

Me: Sooo do I take it from…

Mad Speaker: TAKE A TICKET.

Me: I don’t like your tone. I’d take it if I could see where it was.

Really Mad Speaker: TAKE THE #@*#Bleeping!!*# TICKET!

I swore that was the honest truth and I might be stretching it a tiny bit, but not by much. Mad Speaker was definitely cursing me. It’s possible coded cuss words were embedded into the recording with subliminal messaging and I received it loud and clear. To my credit I think they may have been out of tickets or something. The point is, I was humiliated. Like ordering something obscene at a drive-through window. I may not have the purest of hearts but I’m generally a pretty decent person, and fairly speaker-savvy.

The big question is why do I even care? I’d deny that I do but that would be an obvious lie wouldn’t it, and I’m a genuinely honest person, cross my heart. True fact. Just wondering… If it’s okay to lie when you cross your fingers, is it the same when you cross your heart? All burning questions, true. And I have answers:

Only an irrational person would care, so I really don’t. I’m not only rational, but I’m pure and smart and besides, all facts are technically true. Cross my heart and get me a filthy dirty diet coke to go. Now.