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Fancestor DNA

Have you ever tried to spit into a test tube to harvest your DNA? I have! Back in the day spitting was a practiced talent, kinda like basketball except the goal was to get a ball (of flem) into a bucket on the floor instead of in a basket ten feet high. I think they were called spittoons, not to be confused with spiTunes, which were used to hold music collections instead of spittle. Spittoons were very popular and not just with the athletic crowd. There was a spittoon for every decorating style. For example, if your home was decked out in Traditional style, you probably had beautiful polished brass pots strategically placed in corners. If you were partial to a Country design, nice woven baskets would have brought your ensemble together nicely; for sanitary reasons you’d need to line them with garbage bags but since grocery stores didn't offer either paper or plastic you might have looked for another style alternative. Instead of Country, a better alternative might have been a little bit Crock and Roll. Get it? Never mind. Shabby Chic was probably the easiest to adorn your house in because fashion-correct spittoons might come in any form from kettles to coffee tins to crocheted-covered wash tubs. Personally, I would have preferred a Minimalistic style, which means you’d have to go outside to spew because I wouldn’t allow spit pots to clutter up my space. Besides, have you ever smelled a spittoon? Ew, nasty. Or at least I think they are, I haven't actually smelled one, have you? Which brings me back to my train of thought. Spitting into a tube to harvest DNA. Yes, that was it.

You know we live in a marvelous age when with just a bit of slobber can connect you to your past relatives who lived back in the old neighborhood with Adam. It’s pretty darn fantastic. Just like on Facebook, DNA testing lets you find out all kinds of details you didn’t know about your ancestors—except that on Facebook you find out all kinds of details you wish you didn’t know. Ever wonder about the stuff genealogists will find generations from now? Holy cow! What they’re gonna have to sift through! Every person will have at least six volumes of questionable information on them like what they had for breakfast, their relationship status at any given moment and 1,2000 selfies. If ADHD is genetic, my posterity won’t have the patience for it and will bag the whole thing. Literally. They’ll put all that useless crap in a bag and toss it in their minimalistic-style trashcan.

But back to the train. When I got my drool-results I was surprised to learn the percentages of all the nationalities I came from. I honestly thought that 100% pure Danish blood ran through my veins but turns out I'm a little more than a great dane. It seems to me that instead of saliva, blood would be a more accurate way to get DNA samples. I'm guessing too many people fainted trying to squeeze blood out of pricked fingers, smashing the test tubes in their fall. Anyway, there is probably already a massive DNA archive compiled from the spittle of spittoons. By the way, if you say spittle of spittoons really fast three times you'll spray enough saliva to fill up your whole test tube. Your welcome.