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100 Days

Today marks my 100th day. Okay, maybe closer to my two millionth hundred-day but who’s counting? I’ve never been big on report cards—not because I don’t like to compare myself to others—it’s just that I’ve never gotten along well with report cards. So how am I doing? Don’t answer that. I’ll grade myself and don't worry, I'll be honest.

Reading C

Writing A

Spelling C

Math D

Geography D

Social Studies D

History D

Art A

Foreign Language F

Lunch A

Recess A

Gets along well with others C

If I were better at rithmatic I could figure out my GPA but since I suck at it, I’ll take a wager that it’s fairly high. I spent much of my elementary school years sitting out in the hall on the coat rack step. Back then I thought I was pretty funny. I would make little remarks under my breath and the kids on my table would laugh, which would encourage me to be even more hilarious. Apparently my teachers didn’t share their amusement—not a one of them had the teeniest sense of humor. They would march me to the door, point to the step and fold their arms until I sat.

I didn’t mind sitting out in the hall—it was better than doing math. It was only a problem when my sister’s class would march by in single file to the lunchroom. On those days my sister couldn’t wait to get home to tattle on me. One such time sticks out in my memory. As her class paraded in a line down the hall toward me I looked around for a quick escape. Characteristically astute in cognitive reasoning, I knew my only recourse was to hide. Quickly considering my options, I found the only possibility. Grabbing onto a coat hook with both hands, I swung my feet up onto another one letting the coats hang over me. Sheer genius in theory, but problematic. See, back in the old days we had to wear dresses to school. I know, right? So the coats didn’t cover me entirely the way I had hoped. As the kids shuffled by the halls resounded with the refrain, I see London, I see France… I see someone’s underpants… I think you know the rest of the jingle and the story.

I wish I could say that was the last time I sat out in the hall. If wishes were fishes. My point is this: I’m glad it’s President Trump getting his First 100 Day Report Card and not me.