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Christmas Letter

Happy Holidays to our dearest friends, neighbors and casual acquaintances. We know you have been waiting on the edge of your seat all year to get caught up on all our family events! Oh my, where to begin…

I’ll probably lose some friends over this and for sure I won’t get as many Christmas cards in the future, but PC or not, I just can’t hold it in. Frankly, I don’t really care if your daughter made head cheerleader and was Sterling Scholar in chemistry in between her guest violinist gigs with the Philharmonic. Did you say your 4.0 All-State MVP freshman son was the #3 draft pick for the Seattle Seahawks? Yawn. What's that, your kid got a perfect SAT score? So? Just once I’d like to get a Christmas letter more along the lines of:

Dearest friends,

2016 has been… well, you decide.

Mary Lou spent much of her time last year on Facebook campaigning for Hillary Clinton. Fortunately, her hopeless, profound despair was somewhat dissipated by the emotional safe zones set up on her campus, accompanied by grief therapy. The pony and puppy-petting affairs were also quite soothing. At least she wasn’t among her colleagues burning cars and looting businesses. We gave her a gym membership for Christmas to help her lose the extra 40 pounds gained from the anxiety-eating as a result of overwhelming angst and depression.

Harry has done us proud by raising his GPA to a whopping 2.0 and we are confident that with some extreme tutoring he will be able to get into Community College.

Theodore exhibited unusual responsibility by getting a job at the carwash to pay for his girlfriend’s abortion. Again. We are hopeful his twin brother, Thorndyke will be paroled soon and will show the same amount of tenacity.

Aren't grandchildren a joy? They just grow up so fast. Before we know it their family will have moved from our basement into a place of their own. Though we will miss the banging, crashing and screaming, having our son-in-law get a job will be well worth the lack of excitement. Though I can scarcely imagine it, we may learn to appreciate some peace and privacy after we repair the walls, paint and re-carpet. That’s assuming Mary Lou, Harry, and the twins have taken their rightful places in society and we are certified Empty Nesters.

Merry Christmas, let’s get together soon, and yada yada...

Maybe I’m being a little facetious but you do know what I’m talking about, right? By the way, if you sent me a Christmas Letter this year I’m sure I’ll enjoy it, and of course none of this applies to you. I’ll get right on the task of reading it as soon as I’m done scrutinizing the accompanying group photo with a magnifying glass at your 32 family members that for all I know were gathered up from Wal-Mart.