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Political Junkie

I am an addict. Admitting it is Step One.

When you try to hide the fact that you can’t disengage yourself from 24/7 politics it’s time to face reality and call AA —Analysis Anonymous— aka Anal Anon (because to be so neurotically absorbed seriously stinks.) I mean, who in their right mind actually chooses to 1. Listen to someone who is insane enough to run for political office in the first place and 2. Give credence to the hosts of analytical armies that skirmish around the clock to disgrace, degrade, damage, destroy and decimate (damn that’s a lot of D’s) every syllable that their rival utters or has uttered since conception. The sumptuous cherry on top of this insanity is watching the wanna-be-winners (aka sore losers) collude, conspire, contrive, cuckold (crap, that’s a lot of C’s) and in general try to manipulate the election. If it’s possible to top a cherry, then it's done by the media who ferociously fabricate, formulate, falsify and feed our fears in a furious frenzy. (Fittingly, that’s a frightful lot of F words.) So you can see AA is my only hope.

I’ve tried re-routing my brain by turning on the Olympics instead of politics. That seems like a logical place to channel one's attention and be inspired by talent, grace and determination. It works for a while but as with a true addiction, my mind finds connections to the source. For example, a gymnast makes impossible movements in an astonishing sequence and I think, Holy smokes! Those flips and turns are just as twisted as politics! Hope they land with their feet firmly planted. When a diver comes out of the water I am a little embarrassed for them because like politicians, they are stripped practically naked for the whole world to see. When medals are awarded I think about Patriotic Competition. Yes! My team won! or The winner probably used steroids to cheat, and yes it really does happen. Sometimes I think about how narcissistic the players are to focus on themselves for years to get where they are or conversely, how important teamwork is. Back to AA.

Step 10: Take personal inventory and when wrong, promptly admit it.

Okay, I have three TV’s, check; Satellite Radio, check; a phone and an iPod, check and check. I admit it.

Back to Step 9. Make direct amends to people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Regrettably, I’ve lost actual friendships with people of different political persuasions, including a few of my less-bright children. Not because I’m pushy… just passionate and usually right. Making amends would unquestionably injure him or her when I knock some sense into them with a two-by-four to the side of the head.

If I positively must give up my overpowering aspiration to personally manage this presidential election, at least let me give one last piece of advice to each candidate. To Hillary I would say, “Maybe you should quit your day job. There are a million ways to spend some of that Clinton Foundation booty instead of your usual way--letting the taxpayers foot the Bill. How about starting a fashion line for clowns?” Seriously… have you seen the colors and texture in that wardrobe? Jackie Kennedy would turn over in her grave! And to Donald I would advise, “Be nice! Focus! And maybe see a shrink about that insecurity.”

Alas, admitting you are chained to your addiction is the first step out of it. I’ve admitted it and I’m working on it! Now leave me alone while I flip between CNN and FOX for the millionth time today.