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It's Debatable

Is it just me or does the GOP Presidential Debates remind you of high school? (I’m smarter and better looking than my opponent and if you vote for me I promise to expel all the bullies, be everyone’s friend and put pizza vending machines in the hall.) I’m weary of the petty accusations and disputes between the candidates and no matter how loud I tell them to GROW UP they persist in attacking their competitors. Come to think of it, back on my high school debate team we would never have stooped so low to personal insult. I believe it was against the rules, though I can’t tell you for sure because nobody ever behaved that impertinently to their rival. Fierce and forceful but courteous and congenial argument was the norm.

I’m looking for the perfect person to be the next President of the United States. In other words, I want to elect a black beady-eyed heavyset billionaire businesswoman of Cuban descent who knows karate or at least makes karate chops with the hands to accentuate each point. I guess you’d call it a composite candidate. What I’m not looking for is the same old same old. I’m sick of the grandiloquence of political leaders and I’m downright nauseated with the rhetoric. My mind just shuts off when I hear, “Look,” “Let me be clear,” “Make no mistake” or “At the end of the day.” Pull-ease! Get some new vocab already! And just once let me hear, “Oops! I may have been wrong!”

Speaking of political figures, have you ever noticed how the White House spokesperson never looks anyone in the eye? I think he does that so people won’t see that he has no soul. I think that happens to a person when they spin words every day to please their boss who, by the way, looks and acts like Gumby. It’s probably not politically correct to point out that Gumby is flat and stretchy. Undoubtedly it’s racist to mention that he’s green.

Look, let me be clear, if I sound a little cynical tonight, blame it on watching two hours of testy platforming. Make no mistake, I’ll be glad when all the speechifying is over and at the end of the day there are only two candidates left to scratch each other’s eyes out.