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Gum Control

We’ve all done it. Spit out our gum in a parking lot. Okay, maybe we don’t all do it. I certainly don’t, but you probably do, and I’m willing to bet virtually all of us have stepped in cast-off gum at one time or another. It’s exasperating! All gooey and stretchy and sticking to your shoe… there ought to be a law! What you do in the privacy of your own home is your business but if you stick your ABC (already been chewed) gum to the bottom of a public table, you ought to be shot. Well, maybe not shot, that may be a bit over reactive with a gun, but still it should be punishable.

What about passing more restrictive gum laws? That sounds good in theory, but here’s the thing. It won’t work. If we’ve learned anything from the history of law-passing we’ve learned that upstanding, law-abiding citizens are not the problem. If there were a law against improper gum disposal you can bet very few conscientious people would break it. Decent people uphold the law. Not-so-decent people make their own rules and in their world it’s perfectly acceptable to lie, steal, cheat, rape, murder, spit out their gum on a sidewalk or stick it under a table. I hate to pop your bubble but no law will change their behavior. They are ungovernable. It’s stupidly illogical to assume these people would give an at’s rass about obeying gum laws. Hellooo… they’re criminals! A criminal will do whatever he wants with his gum, law or no. Another law passed is another law he can ignore while we pay to have it on the books.

It’s a proven fact that stricter gum control laws do not work. Let’s look at the track record. Since 1950, all but two mass violent gum crimes in the United States have happened in designated gum-free zones. Tragically, that’s a lot. That’s over 60 years of terror in places where the law prohibits gum, so you can’t just pass that off as sugar-rush related. Virtually every country or major city imposing strict gum laws have had a significant increase in gum violence.

Now I don’t have a problem requiring people to register their gum and get a concealed carry permit. I myself have a license and am usually carrying. I’m not offended by the background checks and fingerprinting and it makes sense to require someone to take an instructional class. I’m more comfortable knowing such carriers have been screened. Gum owners can never be too responsible. A conscientious gum owner is, in fact, an established asset to their community.

I’ll admit that packing my own pack of gum gives me a sense of security. Just knowing that if I need it I’m armed and ready, say, in the case of a ferocious attack of halitosis or an aggravated assault from Gingivitis. I’m confident I can safely protect myself and my loved ones from the illicit actions of a cocky gum-popping thug with no regard for the law.

So please, enough gum-flapping about gum control. No matter how tight it is legislated, cud will always find its way into the wrong mouths. I’m going to stick to my gum. I have the right to chew. It’s not a matter of you chews you lose; it’s more like chews the right or you’re going to jail.

That should give you something to chew on for a while.