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Broadband

Over the weekend my family attended a Wild West Festival in Leeds, Utah, better known as Podunk or the Middle of Nowhere. The sun was scorching but the fun was sizzling! For starters, there were shoot-outs, fiddling and hoedown competitions, a horseback obstacle course, sharpshooting demonstrations and square dancing. There was even a Soapbox Derby and a mechanical bull. For the kids there were giant bubble-slip-and-slides and a candy-shooting-cannon.

Yeee haw! A gosh-darn good time for folks of any age!

But my favorite was the live performances—in particular a group of older ladies who were both talented and entertaining. They made me want to sing in an “Old Lady Band” when I grow old. Oh, wait.

I can see it now… I’m up on stage in front of the spotlights. The spectators whistle and cheer as the MC introduces us… “And noooow, the group you have all been waiting for… (more whistles and cheers) THE BROAD BAND!“ Woot Woot!

We come out in pink velour track suits. The lights gleam off the stripe of gray roots in our fashionably dyed and coifed hair. After a minute or two of wild hullaballoo, (that’s a word us old people use for crazy freaking-out) a hush falls over the group in a wave of anticipation. One of the Broads (not me, of course) takes out her teeth and pipes the pitch.

“A one, a two, a one two three four…” We belt out a tune with astonishing harmony, delighting audiences that range in frequency from small children to adults of all ages. (That includes teenagers. Ok, maybe not teenagers.)

We move in sync to the beat (well, to Mavis’s heart monitor plugged directly into our hearing aides that double as our ear pieces.) We wiggle our hips (albeit artificial ones) and sing, Yooo can dance, yooo can jive… having the time of your li-i-ife (which is rapidly ticking away) …dancing queeen, young and sweeet, (been there, done that) only seven…ty.” We high-kick our replaced knees.

Now even the teenagers are amused.

As we moonwalk off the stage (with the aide of tricked out walkers with tennis balls) the crowd goes insane. They loved us! (Or maybe they’re just relieved that most of us are still standing. Headcount: I think Gladys is down.)

That was a ball! (That means it was awesome!) I feel soooo aliiive!

Alright, back to real life and the Middle of Nowhere, or maybe slightly north of that. Did I mention that I loved the entertainment? (Especially the Way Off Broads!) Thanks to the town of Leeds! We will definitely be back next year.