If I were in a beauty pageant (don’t laugh, it’s theoretical) my soul-searching platform would be: World Peace. If that happened to be taken, my second choice would be: No School Shootings.
I’d bat my false eyelashes at the judges and explain my strategy. First of all, I’d declare the whole world a Gun-Free-Zone. That means absolutely no shooting allowed. Period. That would make the Second Amendment irrelevant, which might help my competitors with their World Peace proposal. So it would be a win/win.
But, you might ask, what about all the ruthless, crazy and evil people, commonly called criminals? Wouldn't they still use guns? The simple answer is: Nope. You make an exception for one and you’re in for some serious mayhem, so no. No criminals can have guns. Nada. The law is the law is the law.
I’ll admit there are a few glitches in my plan, but there are hiccups in the World Peace gig as well. My parents and my president have advised me to THINK BIG and “No School Shootings” is pretty colossal. While I’m at it I should probably include "No Knives," which will insure no stabbings. In fact, anything sharp like swords, scissors, box cutters, glass, pencils, forks, chainsaws and the like should be banned as well. "No Bombs" would be good too—bombs are bad. And "No Rocks." Ever been conked on the head with a rock? Very dangerous.
Now I know there are a lot of other ways to harm someone, but it seems a bit unrealistic to think the world could be a Danger-Free-Zone. So I'll just stick with what I've got. It's a good start, don’t you think? Rome wasn’t built in a day—it took at least 3 months and besides didn’t the Roman Empire fall? I’m not good at history, but I think history is overrated. If we considered history we’d find that 98% of all mass shootings occurred in gun free zones. That totally messes up my platform so we’re going to ignore that fact.
Now I need to start thinking about the bathing-suit segment of the beauty pageant. If I start starving myself tomorrow afternoon I just might have a crack at winning. Speaking of cellulite, I wonder if there’s a quick cure? Hmmm... maybe I should change my platform? The world would definitely be better if it were declared a Fat-Free-Zone.